Gottfried Zeidler the Flying Flight or the Philosophical Art of Flying
Let'southward face it — hardly everyone wants to heed to the flight attendants on an aeroplane. If it's the in-flight safety announcements, it's boring. If it's an emergency proclamation, it's terrifying. Neither of those are optimal states of being, and then what tin you do?
A humour goes a long style in making boring situations tolerable and terrifying situations manageable. These flight attendants keep us laughing despite the challenges of modern air travel.
You've Got to Get Your Inventory Somewhere
Perhaps we'd all leave fewer things behind on airplanes if nosotros knew they'd stop up getting peddled on the black market. Upon landing, ane airline bellboy was overheard saying, "Delight feel free to leave behind any of your items in the overhead compartment; I'thousand having a yard sale this weekend."
Next time you see your baggage, neck pillows or duty-free vodka in someone's front end yard, you'll know where they came from. Possibly if yous work something out with the flight bellboy, you can become a cut!
Rough Landing
After a particularly crude landing, one flight attendant quipped, "Ladies and gentlemen, nosotros have just attacked Los Angeles." Afterwards the luggage has been thrown asunder throughout the motel, the booze has splashed on your vacation clothes, yous whispered your prayers and your knuckles have whitened…it's always good to end on a hearty express mirth.
See? Yous nigh all died in a horrific fireball crashing onto the runway at uncontrollable speeds. But you lot didn't, so just forget it and become soused at the airport bar like the remainder of the passengers.
For the Quickest Way off the Plane…
Existence intimidated by the buttons above y'all in passenger seating is silly. Wait at the pilots — they have hundreds of buttons to deal with. Yous have only a few little buttons above your seat, and none of them impact the functioning of the plane. At least, that'due south what nosotros're told.
But not so fast. One flying attendant said this: "The yellow button is your reading low-cal. Delight don't press the orange push button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your ejector seat push button." Ameliorate hope you waited for those instructions!
It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time
It's unlikely that anyone who has ever dreamed of having children has really thought through all the details. Sure, those kids seem to complete the idyllic family unit life, just that was before you locked yourself into a metal cylinder with them hurtling through the air at ludicrous speeds.
One flight attendant was overheard asking a question for the ages: "For those of yous traveling with your children — why? And for those of yous that are traveling with two of your children, what in the world were you thinking?"
Don't Become Stuck Holding the Bag
Flying attendants come up with creative means of getting all the passengers off the airplane as before long as possible. They're on a tight schedule and don't have fourth dimension for dawdlers.
One can but imagine the stampede of passengers rushing off when one flight attendant announced, "Last 1 off the aeroplane must clean information technology." They're kidding, right? They have specialized teams of cleaners for that, don't they? Ameliorate push button a few children and old ladies out of the way just to be sure.
She's Popular
Southwest Airlines flying attendant Marty Cobb posted a viral video of herself performing a comedic version of the rubber instructions. She started with, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention for just a few moments? My ex-hubby, my new boyfriend and their divorce attorney are going to evidence the safe features."
Of course, she was kidding. Or maybe she was only half-kidding. Either way, she might've picked upward a few more phone numbers on that flight. But exist conscientious, fellas; she'south a human-eater, and you may cease up on YouTube.
That's Gonna Price Ya
Viral flying attendant star Marty Cobb had a few more jokes up her sleeve, touching on how airlines similar to nickel and dime passengers for amenities. During the in-flying condom sit-in with the oxygen mask, she announced, "To actuate the flow of oxygen, just insert 75 cents for the beginning minute."
Well, that's reasonable. Things similar snack boxes, liquor, in-flight Wi-Fi and oxygen are all extra. Await. What? Don't worry near it. As long as you have a small- or medium-sized haversack full of quarters, you'll be just fine.
Put It Out or We'll Put You lot Out
There was a day when passengers could smoke in the passenger cabins of airplanes, but those days are long gone. Even so, some passengers still need some polite reminding.
Not to put too fine a point on it, one flight bellboy announced, "There is no smoking in the motel on this flying. There is also no smoking in the toilets. If we encounter any smoke coming from a toilet, we will assume you are on burn down and put you out. This is a costless service we provide to y'all."
Was That My Luggage?
There's nada similar a flake of violent dropping and shaking on an plane to go the ol' blood flowing again. Panic is usually passengers' outset reaction, followed by a death grip on the armrests and the downing of any liquor within achieve. It'due south not pleasant, and it can't finish soon enough.
Flight attendants know this and oftentimes attempt to disarm the state of affairs with humor. During a nasty spell of turbulence, a flight bellboy assured passengers, "No need to be alarmed folks. That's only the sound of your luggage being ejected from the aircraft."
Try Not to Recollect Almost It
Does anyone ever really cease to recollect that strapping into an aeroplane and flying beyond the country is something our ancestors would take considered insane? That at that place's nothing separating y'all from the ground thousands of feet down other than a thin sheet of metal?
In example they might've forgotten, one flight attendant reminded passengers, "Thanks for flying with usa today. And the side by side time you get the insane urge to become diggings through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we promise y'all'll think of US Airways."
Aiming to Delight
It's swell to know that when something goes wrong on an airplane, the flying attendants and crew try to get out of their fashion to fix it. It doesn't e'er work, but at least they put in some effort.
Riffing on traditional customer service spiels, one flight bellboy assured passengers who had been waiting a long time at the gate, "Deplorable for the filibuster folks, just the machine that breaks your luggage is broken. We'll take you off the plane as shortly as we go done breaking it by hand."
Choose Well
Nature has a fashion of guaranteeing the survival of your genes. If y'all have many children, congratulations! They'll look after you when you've grown old. Every bit long every bit you await after them well right now — which might be hard, depending on the flight you lot book.
Case in point? One flight attendant pointed out the following during the safety sit-in: "If y'all are traveling with ii or more than children, please accept a moment now to decide which i is your favorite. Help that one first, and and then work your style downwards."
Don't Get Your Hopes Up
Though experienced flyers know what all the buttons in a higher place the seat do, there are always a few newbies who may non. The flying attendants are there to help get those rookies defenseless up to speed.
Every bit Southwest Airlines flying attendant Jeff Simpson once explained, "Nosotros'll be dimming the lights in the cabin. Pushing the light-bulb button will turn your reading light on. However, pushing the flight-attendant push will non plow your flight attendant on." Give thanks goodness for that.
It'due south Similar a H2o Park
No one e'er wants to really imagine what happens "in the event of a h2o landing." Aye, yous're glad there are precautions, only you pray this won't happen to you. That'southward not a euphemism yous desire to hear associated with planes.
One Southwest Airlines flight attendant put a chipper spin on the gloom and doom of imagining the worst and reframed information technology as a party: "In the event of a water landing, your seat-bottom cushions can exist used as flotation devices. Just kick-paddle, kick-paddle all the way to shore. We will exist certain to follow you lot with the booze."
Information technology'due south Just Business concern
If y'all stop and recollect near it, business concern travelers pay a lot for their airline tickets, particularly when you consider how much they pay for huge upgrades over autobus. This is not lost on the flight attendants, who seem to give a nod to the fact that these frequent flyers spend quite a scrap.
Said i snarky flight attendant on Delta, "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving u.s.a. the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
Not to State the Obvious
Take-off speed for the average commercial airliner is somewhere around 150 miles an hour. That's faster than you'll get in a motorcar, and yous're doing it in a gigantic jetliner that weighs somewhere around sixty tons. Those engines have to work overtime to get yous into the air. If yous stop and recall about what information technology takes, you realize information technology's quite impressive.
As 1 Southwest flying attendant said: "Buckle your seatbelts folks. Nosotros're about to go and then fast that nosotros're gonna fly." Information technology'south kind of a modern miracle, and so strap yourself in!
No Ane Flies for the Nutrient
Airplane food has been the butt of jokes for decades. And with good reason! But to be fair, not every airline serves horrible food, and if you're in first class, your feel is much different. That existence said, for nearly everyone the meals are simply atrocious.
The flight attendants know this, and in 1 of their announcements they used it every bit a threat: "Delight remain seated until the airplane has come to a complete stop at the gate. Anyone defenseless continuing up will exist force-fed another meal."
Public Service Announcement
We all know smoking is bad for us, nonetheless millions of people still light up every twenty-four hour period. Generations ago, smoking was everywhere: restaurants, planes, bars, hotels. These days in most places, smoking is limited to outdoor spaces or inside your ain home.
Back in the 1990s, there was another major button using public service announcements to stop people from smoking. 1 passenger who was flying United Airlines back and then remembers overhearing a flight bellboy denote: "…and as you enter the terminal, please call up not to smoke…for the remainder of your lives."
If You Don't Like the Oxygen, You'll Love the Booze
Everyone who'due south flown has seen the rubber demonstration, then it's non like y'all're missing something if you melody out — except when the flight attendants start messing with your head. Southwest, in particular, is known for inserting humor into the otherwise-dry and canned rubber announcements that the Federal Aviation Administration makes mandatory.
Information technology'south when y'all're kind of zoning out that they tin sideslip in the stealth joke. During the oxygen-mask presentation, ane flight attendant quipped, "Although the plastic bag may not inflate, y'all are receiving lots and lots of gin."
Any Happens in Vegas…
Flight attendants working the shuttle between Los Angeles and Las Vegas have surely seen information technology all. The dissimilarity between the "we're all gonna be rich!" energy on the fashion to Vegas couldn't be more unlike than the "we're hungover and broke" vibe on the style dorsum. Reality is pretty tough.
As i passenger was returning to Los Angeles from Vegas, he heard the flight bellboy say, "Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed our short flight from Las Vegas. Equally a friendly reminder, please put your wedding rings back on."
The Choice Is Yours
Let's face up information technology. Flying isn't an ideal comfort situation for anyone unless you're in first or business class — merely fifty-fifty all those civilities can't make up for being trapped in a tin can tin with dozens of people flying at unfathomable speeds.
However, with the right mindset, you can at least enjoy a potable, watch a picture, listen to music or take a nap to pass the time. One flight attendant encouraged passengers to find their inner Zen: "Sit back and relax, or sit up and be tense, either way."
Survival Can Be a Political party
This joke was so popular information technology made the regular rounds on the Southwest in-flight safety announcements for a while. It'south hard to make lite of a potentially life-threatening state of affairs, but it's not hard to recognize the ridiculous fashion statement a life belong makes.
If you're going to do gallows plane humor, you might as well get a little silly with it. As many of the flight attendants on Southwest say, "You'll observe in the highly unlikely event the captain lands about a hot tub everybody gets their ain teeny weeny yellow bikini."
The Smoking Section Is Informal
The urge for serious smokers to outset puffing on a flight is existent. That's the ability of nicotine habit. But, unless you're a fourth dimension traveler from the 1960s, anybody knows that you tin't light up on a aeroplane. Betwixt the jet fuel and the flammable upholstery, it's a wonder smoking was ever allowed to begin with.
This windy alarm was heard on a Southwest flying: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to fume, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, y'all can fume 'em."
Leave the Back, Jack
Most anybody would like to recall that they'd remain calm in an emergency situation, but reality dictates otherwise. In case of an emergency landing, the biggest and strongest amid the passengers might autumn apart, while the smallest and shyest may be stoic and at-home. This is why it's important to listen during the function of the safety sit-in about exits.
Every bit i flight attendant pointed out, "There may exist fifty ways to exit your lover, but in that location are simply iv ways out of this airplane." Remember, and take notes.
Who Says Nothing Is Free Anymore?
The older generations remember that flying used to come with all kinds of perks that were free with your boarding laissez passer. Meals were much more extravagant. You didn't accept to pay extra for carry-on luggage. You lot could unremarkably get at least i boozy drink for gratis.
These days you're lucky if you lot tin can get some extra cheese and crackers for less than $15. But you lot however become a few things for costless. One customer-minded flight attendant reminded passengers, "Please keep your seat belts fastened and enjoy our complimentary turbulence."
Reverse Psychology
Sometimes it'south more powerful to work with passenger urges instead of against them. Flight attendants know near that weird 20 minutes or so between when the plane lands and when information technology comes to a total stop. That'southward when every rider on the aeroplane is champing at the flake to stand up up, stretch and go out.
In one case 1 item flight landed in London, the flying attendants appear, "We are currently recruiting people to clean the aircraft. If you wish to volunteer, then please stand up before we accept come up to a end."
We Take Full Responsibility
There's cipher more refreshing than an airline that takes consummate responsibleness for any and all client service-related issues. Well, at that place's one thing more refreshing: an airline that doesn't take itself too seriously and uses humor to defuse bug. For some reason, information technology's easier to trust someone who'due south funny over a stiff blimp shirt.
One chipper Southwest flight attendant said, "Cheers for choosing Southwest Airlines for your flying today. If you had any problems with this flight, call up you were riding with Delta." Got that? D-E-Fifty-T-A.
You Aren't Fabricated of Coin
Fines are steep for misbehaving on airplanes. Penalties are high for smoking, because, you know, open flames and flammable everything-around-yous don't mix. And you merely can't get that cigarette smoke out of the recirculated air.
During the safety demonstration, a flying attendant made that clear by announcing: "No smoking is allowed, non even in the toilets. Don't be naughty in our potty. If you practise at that place is a $2,000 fine, and if you had that kind of money you'd exist flying United instead of Southwest."
Don't Scrimp on the Extras
Afterward the full presentation on using the oxygen mask in an emergency, Southwest flight attendant Marty Cobb added, "And let's be honest, only those that paid the actress $49.99 get any extra oxygen."
The funny (or non-so-funny) thing about this is that almost everyone could imagine a future in which people might accept to pay actress in advance for life-saving civilities such as oxygen or inflatable life vests. Possibly if you only spring for the floating cushion, yous can suck the air out of that instead.
Smile and Don't Panic
One plane had such a rough landing in Phoenix, even the grin flight attendants couldn't help commenting. You have to wonder if they have these announcements scripted beforehand. If they don't, about flight attendants could have futures in the comedy circuit.
One passenger recalls them reacting off the cuff: "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt upwards confronting the gate. And, once the tire fume has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, nosotros'll open the door and you can choice your way through the wreckage to the terminal." Sometimes it's better when they're non pretending everything is fine.
Source: https://www.faqtoids.com/travel/funny-flight-attendants?utm_content=params%3Ao%3D740006%26ad%3DdirN%26qo%3DserpIndex
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